I feel so worn out, parenthood is a slow build to burn out. At least that’s how I feel right now. My nerves are still on edge from our tide pod incident. My toddler dropped her nap at two, so it’s been a solid six months of go-go-go. The non-stop vigilance required at this stage leaves me tired and grumpy.
I’m not able to participate in outing with friends or family and I feel bad about that, I really do. When my child finally falls asleep I have a glass of wine and zone out on The Bachelorette, or I write about my feelings (like now). I feel overwhelmed by other people’s needs, too tired to be helpful. Life is zipping by at an alarmingly fast rate and I’m trying to simultaneously appreciate every moment of Ooey’s childhood without losing myself to the process. (When she goes off to college I don’t want to wonder who I am.)
My only goal these days is to be patient with Ooey. I can feel my temper rising when she doesn’t want to leave the house after 20 minutes of dawdling and now we’re late, again. She is whinier than ever, non stop screaming I hear it in my sleep. And I succeed, I don’t yell or hit or show anger. But as a consequence there’s non left for anyone else. I ignore phone calls, pass up on family outings or miss parties.
I also forget stuff. I forgot to return to the walk-in clinic where I got my TB test. The TB test is required for a program that’s going to make my life easier (co-op daycare), and I almost blew it. I even set an alarm on my phone. They re-did the test, which has to be read within a 48 hour window (hopefully the phone alarm works this second time).
This phase is so dang exhausting. In some ways it’s harder than the newborn phase when I could swaddle her up and take her everywhere and people would oo and ahhh over the tiny human. Co-op daycare starts in the fall at which point I’ll have more recovery time. So in the meantime I’m sorry to the people who’s texts I don’t respond to, whose parties I don’t attend. I’m just trying to stay afloat over here.